‘Good enough’
The Casting Long Shadows report, published in 2022, co-authored by Sally Hogg for the First 1001 Days Movement with Georgina Mayes from the Institute of Health Visiting, told of increased social and emotional issues amongst babies and toddlers since the COVID-19 pandemic. https://ihv.org.uk/news-and-views/news/casting-long-shadows-report/ Similar evidence was repeated in a report on school readiness by Kindred Squared. https://kindredsquared.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/Kindred-Squared-School-Readiness-Report.pdf
In conversation in recent weeks with women, some mothers with young children, some not yet parents, and grandparents, I was aware of levels of anxiety – from all groups. On refection, it wasn’t all related to COVID-19, though there was some reference, but it was all related to parenting Issues, such as the need for an income, anxiety about how to be the best parent, and even whether they should consider parenthood in the future.
A parent of two young children, who runs her own business, balanced maintaining financial security with a wish to provide the best care for her six-months-old, who goes to nursery two days a week, by going there at lunch time to breast feed the baby. If she doesn’t work, she doesn’t get paid.
Another mother of two explained that she is relieved to have just got a part time job, despite being away from her children for part of the day, because the mortgage will be secure.
The mother of a seven-week-old baby will be able to take full maternity leave, but will then go back to teaching. Her own mother will look after the child. However, although she is a confident teacher, she is not finding it is easy to be a parent.
Talking to a mother about her two-year-old, she was anxious because the child was so clingy. She related this to the pandemic. For those first two years there had been only three people in her child’s world; she now felt concerned about how to make her child better able to socialise with a wider group of adults, and with other children, and what services she could receive.
A grandmother commented that her grandchild was very slow to speak, causing concern for the family, but they were unsure about the next steps.
Finally, a young woman making great strides in her career had been told by colleagues that she wouldn’t be a good mother, if she also had a career. She is anxious about being a parent before she even has a baby.
What was most striking talking to all these individuals was their anxiety and lack of self-belief as parents and their constant worry about their parenting.
We live in a different world from the time when Donald Winnicott talked about being ‘a good enough parent’, but surely that is still the benchmark - the sort of parent every child wants.
The young parents and parent-to-be mentioned here already fear that they are failing their children and that they are not ‘good enough.’
How can we support these parents so that their anxiety does not affect their young? We all like to be told we are doing a good job, whatever that job might be. Let us reassure the young parents of our acquaintances that they, as parents, are doing a great job. If they feel confident and enjoy being parents, it will be reflected in their care of their children, and their young will benefit.