Denominalization; when did being a parent become ‘parenting’?
Denominalization is the process of converting a noun into a verb: dream to dreaming, work to working, shop to shopping. In today’s information-heavy, web-dominated society, denominalization, or verbing, as we will refer to it here, has exploded to encompass a broader collection of nouns: ‘let’s workshop it’, ‘she friended me on Facebook’, ‘let me Google that for you’.
Being a parent is routinely denominalized. ‘Parenting’ has become a multi-million-pound business, with products, courses, influencers, podcasts and apps. But perhaps along the way, as a society, we have forgotten that becoming a parent doesn’t automatically homogenise us into the same sort of person who can ‘do parenting’ in exactly the same way. Being a parent is an extension of being oneself, and verbing the concept burdens it with implication. With many new parents, particularly mothers, describing a loss of a sense of self following the birth of their baby, it might be time for us to rethink our approach to the way we support those in the throes of the transition to parenthood.
‘Parenting’ as a verb suggests that there is a ‘right way’ of doing it. A right way of doing something implies that there is also a wrong way, and the last thing new parents need is to be fearful of ‘doing it wrong’. Every human being, every family is different, and what works for one parent won’t necessarily work for another. Some people thrive on routine and find it comforting and stabilising, whereas others experience stress in repetition and find it restrictive. Every child needs to grow up feeling a sense of belonging to their own family. Imposing a strict, immovable routine on a child who belongs to a family who are spontaneous by nature will rarely work. Likewise, feeding on demand might not work for a mother who thrives on routine and feels in control with carefully curated boundaries. The ‘parenting’ industry does not easily lend itself to celebrating the uniqueness of each baby and their family.
To further complicate matters, ‘parenting’ as a verb suggests that there are ‘experts’ who know how to do it best. Consulting ‘experts’ to guide our decision-making as parents may seem sensible, but deferring all decisions to ‘experts’ can lead us to be less in touch with our natural instincts. We know that parents who are in tune with their children, and responsive to their cues, are able to provide the loving care within which children best thrive. But tuning into our instincts takes practice and requires us to listen to our own feelings, emotions and thoughts, something that can be easily dismissed when a tired, new parent is presented with an ‘expert’ solution.
The parenting business is full of ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’, and is flooded with conflicting advice: don’t leave your baby to cry-it-out in sleep training or they’ll be permanently damaged, but never cuddle them to sleep or you’ll be making a rod for your own back and still be bed-sharing when they’re 12. Breast is best, so never give a bottle or they might get nipple-confusion, but always share feeds with dad so you can get some sleep; a tired mum is no good to anyone. Make sure the baby naps in the day at all costs, even if it means walking or rocking them, or driving in the car, because sleep breeds more sleep, but you should always sleep when the baby sleeps and never, ever, ever fall asleep whilst holding your baby. It’s important to teach the baby the difference between night and day as soon as possible, if you are to stand any chance of getting any sleep ever again, but you should never enforce a routine on a newborn and should always go with their own natural patterns. You should remain at home with your baby for as long as possible to promote positive attachment, and also ensure you are a strong feminist role model by having a career that is fulfilling and satisfying - OK, STOP! This all seems utterly impossible…
All this ‘expert’ advice can leave new parents feeling confused, exhausted and clueless, with an ever-diminishing sense of autonomy. It also, crucially, pushes them ever further from their own instinctive urges. So many times, new parents can be heard saying, ‘I’m no good at this, I don’t have a clue what I’m doing’, or ‘perhaps I’m just not cut out for this, it’s just so hard’ and even more often, ‘all the other mums seem to have things sorted, why aren’t I like them?’ Rather than provide endless advice, perhaps we should be encouraging new parents to settle in, look after themselves and try to do what they instinctively feel is right. The only thing a parent ‘should’ or ‘ought’ to be doing is trusting that they know best what is right for them and their baby.
We know from mindfulness practice that experiencing life in ‘being mode’, as well as ‘doing mode’ is important. Mark Williams and Danny Penman describe the characteristics of ‘doing mode’ vs ‘being mode’ in their book ‘Mindfulness; a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world’. ‘Doing mode’ prompts us to analyse rather than sense, to strive for something more, rather than to accept what we have. These things can be brilliant when used in a professional context, but can also be depleting rather than nourishing and prevent us from living in the moment. Raising a human being is not a complicated problem that can be solved by following a detailed manual; rather, it is complex, nuanced, and subject to an ever-changing set of circumstances. This requires a very different approach to problem-solving, which has to be instinctive and organic. Verbing literally turns a concept into a doing word, and as such, does active ‘parenting’ ever leave enough time for simply being a parent?
Next time an exhausted new parent reaches out to you and says they’re struggling, try not to offer all the advice; try to resist solving their problem for them. Instead, listen. Ask what they think they might do next. Then, perhaps, suggest they go and give their baby’s delicious head a sniff while you make them a nice cup of tea. Give them a squeeze and tell them they are doing a brilliant job. Tell them that you’re proud of them, that you know they will make the right decision, because they know their baby best, and tell them that things will get easier.
Libby Caulfield